Thu Apr 24, 2003

Hello.

My name is Chris.

Today we (me, tigerbeard Matt and Ellen) sent three letters to the Courier about a mysterious superhero who keeps descending from trees in and around Tunbridge Wells, dressed as a monkey and wearing a cape and mask.



We've given him no superpowers, so he just does menial tasks like picking up litter and helping old ladies across the road. And one, where he walks someone home from the pub.



The letters are all along the theme of, "I'd just like to say thank you to the gentleman in the monkey suit, cape and mask who found my watch" etc etc.



We've planned the whole story and tigerbeard Matt is even going to make a costume so we can send in some photos. The idea, eventually, is to create a whole team of superheros and an evil arch nemisis.



I'll plop it up here next Friday - if they print it...












Mon Apr 28, 2003

Ellen at work received an email today from The Courier saying:



Hello Ellen,



Most interested in your experience on Bank Holiday Monday. We have had another letter from a Peter Norfolk, also speaking of a hooded hero.

Would you be kind enough to ring me on 01892 ****** because we are obviously interested in running a story.



Regards,



Mary Harris

Kent and Sussex Courier





Anyway, Ellen bottled it, so office chump Rachel made the call on her behalf and I must say she was excellent.



The woman from the Courier was enthralled, saying how amazing it was that this superhero had descended from a building by rope and saved Mr Norfolk from a group of thugs and a certain beating.



Rachel then went on to say that she guessed the superhero was in his late twenties, because of his height (?) but that it was difficult to tell as he was wearing a mask.



I truly hope this reporter's editor is on holiday...











Fri May 02, 2003

Tee Hee…

















Fri May 02, 2003

It seems the copy I scanned was the Crowborough edition. We've just bought the T Wells edition and we're also on the front page!



As well as that, the article on page 3 points to an additional 'editor's comment' - ahem...

Caped Crusader
We are not immune - indeed, we are prone - to our fair share of crank letters.



So when an epistle arrived praising the heroics of a masked man on the Pantiles who came to the aid of the folk who had encountered trouble on that paradise of perambulation - we started reaching for the file marked "B" for barking.



But then another letter followed. And another. The sightings, it seems, were corroborated - and lauded.



Like a scene out of Batman - or Only Fools and Horses - this charitable champion apparently saw off troublemakers, returned a purse and generally brought harmony where there was discord.



No-one has yet laid claim to being that man - but then again Batman didn't wear a Bruce Wayne name tag on his singlet.



He was dressed in brown with an O on his chest - unless that was just a hole in his tunic - and he came and went like a speeding bullet.



Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Somewhere in a secret lair below Tunbridge Wells Common, he lurks, a satisfied smile upon his face at a day's work well done.



Here at the newspaper we, too, feel the need to don a new identity. Set aside the Kent and Sussex Courier for one week - this is the Daily Planet.



I'm doing no work whatsoever today and Ellen is running round the office screaming that she is now officially a page 3 girl.











Fri May 02, 2003




The billboard photo above was taken outside Tescos and was really not the best thing to see after spending all lunchtime in the pub and needing a weewee.



From: "Matthew Bell"

Subject: Caped Crusader

Date: Fri, 2May 2003 11:08:38+0100

Hi Ellen,



I am a journalist wishing to follow up the report about the Caped Crusader in the Kent and Sussex Courier today.



Please call me urgently on 01322 ****** or 07810 ******.



From Matt Bell, Ferrari Press Agency.











Fri May 02, 2003

Man alive! Those billboards are all over Tunbridge Wells...



Here's the latest on that guy from Ferrari Press...



> ----- Original Message -----

> From: Ellen Neville

> To: matthew@ferraripress.com

> Sent: Friday, May 02, 2003 3:58 PM

> Subject: Re: Caped Crusader >

>

>

>

>

>

> Hi Matt,

>

> Apologies for the delay in my reply. Very busy day today so, I've only just picked up my emails. Would it be OK if I call you tomorrow?

>

> Cheers

>

> Ellen



>From: "Matthew Bell"

>To: "Ellen Neville"

>Subject: Re: Caped Crusader

>Date: Fri, 2 May 2003 16:20:30 +0100 >

>Ellen,


>

>I need to speak to you asap because story is going in national daily papers tomorrow (SAT).

>

>Matt. We just spoke to office chump Rachel and she promises to call him tomorrow.











Sat May 03, 2003

Just had a call. It's in The Sun.

















Sat May 03, 2003




















Sat May 03, 2003

>From: "Ian Harkness"

>To: "Ellen Neville"

>Subject: Man in the brown mask

>Date: Fri, 2 May 2003 17:49:41 +0100

>

>Dear Ellen

>

>I'm trying to put a radio feature together over the Bank Holiday weekend

>on the man in the brown mask qwho keeps popping up to help people. I

>understand you were a witness. Could you ring me? On 07702 *** ***

>anytime for now to Monday, sooner the better.

>Many thanks

>Ian Harkness

>Reporter BBC Radio Kent

>

>

>

>BBCi at http://www.bbc.co.uk/


I knew they'd poke their noses in eventually - gah!













Sat May 03, 2003

Daily Express Saturday May 3 2003













Sat May 03, 2003

The Times:













Sun May 04, 2003

Had a call this afternoon from office chump Rachel - she has told all her friends about this saucy thing and one of them mentioned it to the landlord of a pub called The Office. He, it seems, is friends with the editor of the Sunday People and has now informed him about this scam.



Anyway, this editor now wants us to get in touch with him to...ahem...sell our story...



I suppose it will be one of those rival tabloid "oh look how stupid those other newspapers are for falling for it" articles, and I really don't really want to get involved with that. Maybe if he upped his offer...hmmm...



PS - I have had three different confirmations of a man wandering round T Wells dressed as Spiderman.











Mon May 05, 2003

Coo...It's in the Sun again...



This seems to have grabbed the good law-abiding folk of Tunny Wells' imagination...





I've actually been told by a number of people that in the past few days, people dressed as Batman, Spiderman, the Lone Ranger and Zorro(!) have been seen wandering around the town centre.



Ohh... and CNN have it too...












Tue May 06, 2003

I've emailed Mary Harris from the Courier - she'll be his one and only contact -



FAO Mary Harris *PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL*



Mary,



Let there be no mistake.



My work is not yet done. I came only to do good - not to seek fame where fame need not dwell. This is why I speak only to you - I have no need for national exposure.



Do not fear Mary, my help, when it is required, will not affect the resources of the police - they do their work, I do mine.



I seek only to assist the good folk of Tunbridge Wells. I seek only to guide them through their lives without the pressures of daily turmoil.



I pray for the people of Tunbridge Wells. I pray for their safety and happiness - is that too much to ask? I pray that, one day, there will be a time of peace, love and understanding. A time when the good law-abiding folk of Tunbridge Wells may walk safely through the streets with no fear in their hearts.



Until that day arrives, I will not rest.



Now I have been seen, does not mean I have only just arrived. Remember the day you lost your keys, then they reappeared? Do you not recall the time you were so drunk yet somehow managed to get home? These are the moments I will help.



I do not wish to become a celebrity and reading various reports seems to tarnish my name. These are all fakes. For your information, my cape and mask are, indeed, brown, but my suit is orange. The "O" on my chest? Ahh, one day I shall explain.

One day.




O



From :

"Whittaker, Melanie - TWellsx"

To :

'Monkey Man'

Subject :

RE: FAO Mary Harris ***Private and confidential***

Date :

Tue, 6 May 2003 12:02:03 +0100



Thankyou for your email received yesterday. This is one of many letters that

we have received from people claiming to be "O". Have you any way of proving

this is really you!

I look forward to hearing from you

Mary





Mary,



It tears my heart asunder to know that others are claiming to take credit

where it does not belong. I seek no credit. Just the truth Mary.



The truth, that is all.



I do not see why I should prove my own identity, but if that is what you

need then I shall provide it for you alone.



Amongst my recent deeds: Chasing some thugs who were bothering a man outside


the gallery in the high street; passing through Grove Park to aid a

gentleman changing his tyre in Litte Mount Sion and with the jack also

changing a further wheel in the Rusthall area; assisting a sweet lady with

her shopping- I could go on.



I do not wish to boast Mary, rather, I simply want you to understand that I

do exist and that any photographs published of myself are indeed fakes.



I imagine that similar 'copycats' will be contacting the national press and

this will be a shame.



O





>From: "Dillon, Janet - TWellsx"

>To: "'monkeymantw@hotmail.com'"

>Subject: letter to courier

>Date: Tue, 6 May 2003 13:09:45 +0100 >


>hi monkeyman

>can you please submit your name and address, as per our editorial policy on

>the letters page?

>regards

>janet dillon

>letters editor



Janet, you know I cannot do that. I am obviously limited as to what I can do. But I am doing my best.



Revealing my identity would help noone.



O











Tue May 06, 2003

Tigerbeard Matt has just ordered a cat suit in orange and it should be here in a few days. We've also made up some calling cards - orange with a big brown "o". We'll leave them on car windows with little messages on the back like "your window was open so I shut it", "you left your lights on so I turned them off", "your tyre was a bit flat so I pumped it up" etc



The Courier have just phoned me (I sent a letter in) saying they wanted to confirm a few things - the first thing they asked was about the changing of a car tyre in Rusthall. They also referred to him as "Monkey Man" - and about time too if you ask me...











Tue May 06, 2003

Fucking hell....Reuters have got it!



Apparantly it was on Meridian news tonight and they interviewed poor Mary from the Courier - she's either up for big time promotion or she'll be cleaning the bins in a few weeks.











Tue May 06, 2003

Woo.



It's just been on Meridian news again - I've been reliably informed that it was severely edited from the showing earlier this evening - but, ahhhh - it was nice to watch - so much so, it needed transcribing:



Newscaster: And finally (YAY!) He's a hero with no name, who's been jumping to the aid of those in need on the streets of a Kent town...Paul Fitzgerald explains...



Paul Fitzgerald's report

The mean streets of the Pantiles in Tunbridge Wells...the people are vulnerable...the people need a hero.



And it seems they may just have one. Reports of a crusader wearing a dark cape, a mask and boots coming to the aid of people in need are becoming more frequent.



In this dramatic reconstruction, using hi-tech equipment and with all the parts being played by me, the hero helped a businessman being pursued by a mob of angry youths...



The victim wrote to the Courier newspaper and there followed a string of letters from other grateful people he'd apparantly helped.



(during this sequence the cameras panned over tigerbeard Matt's and my letters - teehee)



In another incident, the caped crusader noticed a woman had dropped her purse and with absolutely no thought for his personal safety, reunited it with the owner.



And he saved a damsel in distress in a wine bar from a group of lustful men (eh?)



...but his whereabouts...are a mystery...











Wed May 07, 2003

Woo.



Mary Harris from the Courier phoned up today (I'd sent a letter in about Monkey Man changing my wheel) and she was very sweet and very excited about the special they are printing on Friday.





She mentioned that she had kept all the clippings from various newspapers (awww, just like me) and that my description of the hero matched the one she had. Which was nice.



She was so sweet I sent her an email from Monkey Man offering her an exclusive interview. I think she deserves one.



She did say something that particularly tingled my podules. She has been contacted by Maxim magazine and, more excitingly, the producers of 'Richard & Judy'



I'll plop The Courier article up on Friday.











Wed May 07, 2003

Oh yes, tigerbeard Matt is making the costume tonight.



He's using a pair of leggings and a tight top (dyed orange and brown "O" added) He also bought a pair of y-fronts which, once dyed brown, will go over the leggings.



He says that masks are quite easy to make by simply using a sieve and cutting out eyeholes. And I believe if I get to wear this suit I am going to get extremely aroused.



If I get to wear it in front of Richard and Judy, I will, I am sure, attain a new level of completion hitherto unknown to man.











Wed May 07, 2003

We were chatting about that last night. Can't say I've ever been truly convinced by media news - too much gets accepted as fact, too soon. I mean all this has blown up from two letters (both with untraceable addresses) and one email.



I know we'll get caught out in the end (possibly on Sunday) but I can hold my head up high and say however foolish we are made to look, the press will look even more so. Besides, none of us has any wish to make any money out of this so I say keep it going for as long as possible. Maybe that's what's confusing the press, the fact that we haven't jumped forward despite the financial carrot being waved.



Speaking to the woman from the local paper today, aww she just sounded so excited and there is such a genuine buzz around the town, I'd just like to leave the story to fizzle out and let Monkey Man become a part of Tunny Wells folklore.











Thu May 08, 2003

Coo, quite a day today - it seems the naughty woman from the Courier has passed my details on to The Sunday Telegraph. Adam Lushly{?} phoned today for an exclusive interview about Monkey Man changing the wheel on my car.



He asked me a number of questions such as 'after fixing your car, did he walk away or run?' 'he trotted' / 'have you a message you'd like to say to this hero?' 'I'd like to thank this mystery man who changed my wheel from the bottom of my heart' / 'how did he change the wheel?' 'with a jack' / 'he was carrying a car jack?' 'ummm, yes! It was in a bag' / ' what colour was the bag?' 'ooooohhhh, kind of brown or black' / 'well thank you for your time and if you think of anything else, here's my number' 'coo. Ta' and so on - sheesh it went on for about half an hour, but my full exclusive interview will be available on Sunday! Wheee!



Anyway, the next thing I knew, I was about to leave work when a man (assumably this Adam fellow) in a suit arrived at the door asking to speak to Ruth Barker. Gah! I'd forgotten I'd sent a letter using that address...I told him that she'd moved out in mysterious circumstances and he seemed satisfied.



Righto. Get your scroll bars ready for tomorrow's Courier 'special'